Several years have passed, and the thought still lingers in his mind… ‘Did his brother orchestrate their Mother’s death?’

Ben was his older brother, and had been there for him when they were young, in rough times growing up, so when these thought about him came into Simon’s mind, Simon felt guilty.  The past was indeed behind them, and they had their own lives, families, and obligations keeping them from seeing each other more than once a year. Certainly Simon wanted to know the truth about the end of his Mom’s life, but he could not bring up the topic to Ben, or really anyone else in the family.

Finally, after years of this nagging thought, Simon starts to hint at his concern to his wife Stacey.
‘Stace, you know how I have been waking up at night lately, and having a difficult time going back to sleep?’

‘Yes, honey, what’s going on?’

‘I have wanted to talk to you about this for a long time, but really didn’t know how to explain why I think it could have really happened… it sounds like I’m making it up, or gone off my rocker…’

‘Simon, honey, what’s wrong?  Did something happen at work? Are you losing your job? Oh, please, just tell me.’

‘Okay. Well, here goes, I think my brother might have orchestrated my Mother’s death.’

‘Simon, she was an old woman, and had a few ailments; she hung on for as long as anyone could, but then she died. Not sure how you’d think that anyone could have orchestrated her passing when it seems to have been a very normal passing.’

‘Listen, Stace, just listen to me….  Even before my Mom passed away, I was concerned about her…

Oh, why didn’t I have her live with us? New Hampshire is a great place, we like it here… She could have been happy with us. Yes, she would have been a few hours away from where she had lived for the past 40 or so years, but she was funny, she would have made friends…  Okay, I need to get to the point and stop reliving the regret of not having her move here with us.

The thing is, well it seemed like every time I’d call her and talk to her she could not talk freely, she seemed like she was somehow afraid to really talk with me.  You met my mom Stacey, she was a very up-front woman; if she held back anything it was because she had a Very good reason.

This was before she was put into the nursing home, and I should have insisted that she come stay with us. It would have been an adjustment for all of us, but it would have been what was best for Mom. I’m such a bad son for not doing that, oh what a selfish man I have been!

Okay, okay, I’ll get to the point… yes, thanks for the tissue, but I’m fine now.

Remember when I’d go visit her every two months? Sometimes I’d bring you and the kids?  It seemed like Ben was always a bit upset that I came to see her, and even sometimes he seemed like he was hiding something.  Did you feel it?  Did you think that their living in that same house was weird? I should have talked to you about it back then, but it seemed such a horrible thought, that it couldn’t possibly be… how could Ben be keeping my mom basically a prisoner in his house with his wife and kids there all the time?

I’m calming down, I’ll keep going, I really need to talk to you; really I should have talked years ago, then these horrible dreams wouldn’t keep happening.

When do the kids come home from practice?  I feel bad not staying with them today with you, but I really needed to talk about this…

It seemed rather fast that all of a sudden she needed to go into a nursing home, I mean really? Really? She was a very active person, and she helped around my brother’s house. No, Maggie didn’t push Ben into anything, Maggie was, and still is strange, but she didn’t influence Ben to do anything he did not want to do.  Maggie was struggling with some issues of her own at the time my Mom moved in with them, and I think that Ben figured he could use the money my Mom had to help them out.

She was with them about a year, or was it two?  I don’t know, it is not important now; the thing is that it was all-of-a-sudden that Ben put her into a nursing home. He never called me to talk about her health, he never mentioned he was thinking about having her live in a nursing home, never.

Yes, Ben did always hold his cards close to the vest, and he still does, but his own Mom?  It seems to strange to even consider… Yet, I feel it almost every day.  I feel that she was placed into that home, and seldom visited by him, or his kids, certainly not by Maggie.  I should have gone to visit her more than every two months, I should have insisted she move in with us.

Son-of-a-Bitch! I should have bought her a cell phone and gave it to her so she could call freely- Holy Shit! Why didn’t I think of that?  What kind of a jerk am I, really, am I such a bad person, that I never thought to get my mom a cell phone, I mean…

I miss her. I miss being able to hold her hand, to talk to her, you know Stacey how smart she was; you remember how she could tell right away if someone was lying, or upset, or really anything. She had lived a life, boy had she! She taught me so much, so much. She was the best, she loved my father too; they were a good team. When he passed all those years ago, I thought she’d pass out and fade, but she didn’t, she was strong… Anyway, I keep feeling that Ben really did plan a quicker passing for my Mom, that he shortened her life.

Well, the thing is, I thing that somehow Ben realized she was a strong woman and would be hanging on for a lot longer than he really wanted to deal with. What a Bastard Ben was! How could he have neglected her! He put her into that home, rarely visited her, and then acted like he was the best son-of-the-year around anyone else in the family.  Remember, my Mom would tell us something, and clearly be totally with-it mentally, and then Ben would pop-in while we were visiting her, and he’d flat-out say that she was wrong, that it didn’t happen that way… oh, I could see the look in my Mom’s eyes, that look of sadness, like she somehow failed, that somehow she deserved to be there.  Oh, why didn’t I take her from the nursing home, and have her come live here in New Hampshire with us?

Does it feel like I’m skipping around? I’m trying to tell you the important parts, and get them in before the kids are back from practice.  There is so much that I should have said to you Stacey.

The thing is, it seemed like one day she was fine, then bang! The next day she was gone. When Ben mentioned that he had talked to her doctors, and that her medications were changed, it seemed odd. Why didn’t he tell me, or anyone this BEFORE she died! I know t’s been several years, I know I’m getting loud. The neighbor’s house is not close enough for them to hear me Stacey, really.  It’s just that I still feel guilty for not doing anything.  What should I have done? Am I a horrible person for not doing more? Does my Mom hate me or harbor ill towards me because of my lack of action?

Honestly, Stacey, I want her to be at peace in Heaven and for her to know I have and always will love her. I never meant to hurt her, or neglect doing anything for her; what a lousy son I was. No, really, I should have done more.’

Simon talked that afternoon, and his wife Stacey listened, and the healing really started for Simon. He needed to talk to her, to someone, to let them know that Ben really had a hand to play in the death of his Mom.
To say that Ben caused the death could really not be done, but the ground-work, the linkages were there. It was so unsettling Simon would never really be sure.